Now, I’m tired of seeing my fat face. I’m referring to the previous post if you are viewing this on the home page of Basic_B. I think Marcella was right. I need to get on the ball and write something new to push it down the page.

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Earlier this week I received an email from a friend/co-worker at my previous place of employment. He had discovered a sign on the third floor outside of the break room that had my name on it. Apparently they still had me listed as one of the people responsible for making sure everyone left the building in the event of an emergency. Given that I’m no longer there I thought it would be helpful if I went ahead and posted my rules for exiting the building in the case of a fire emergency.

Here they are:

1. In case the fire alarm sounds please stop everything…sit down at you computer and login to your email to determine if HR has authorized your departure from the building in this particular emergency. It may take them some time to get back to you since most of them have likely already left the building themselves.
2. If you do get a response there’s usually about an 80% likelihood you will be allowed to leave. If you are in the unlucky 20%, well tough! But please be assured it is entirely possible you will be remembered long after your death by the existence of some random sign in a hallway somewhere with your name still etched thereupon.
3. When HR does authorize departure from the building be sure NOT to exit via the stairwells. The elevator is the only acceptable means of egress. No less than 35 people at a time please.
4. If you do exit via the stairwells don’t forget to bring along a pocket full of pennies to drop down the stairwell between the stairs and onto the heads of those who were faster getting to the bottom than you. (If you can’t find any pennies then thumb-tacks or push-pins are also acceptable. Just remember that you will have to walk across the floor eventually too if you somehow manage to survive to the first floor)
5. To determine when it is safe to re-enter the building after an emergency please listen for the screams. If the multitude of screams has lessened to only one or two then it is okay to re-enter. Think of microwave popcorn, you want to turn off the microwave before all the popping is complete otherwise you risk charred popcorn.
6. Upon re-entering, open the doors gently and beware of escaping steam that can burn the hands.
7. While waiting outside be sure to offer condolence hugs to your more attractive co-workers. This is a great opportunity for a cheap grope.
8. If there is a convenience or grocery store nearby then purchasing marshmallows while you wait would not be considered inappropriate.
9. Have Fun! Don’t let the opportunity pass you by.

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